Perfectionism's Prison: How to Free Yourself

I speak from years of torment. I speak from the pain of failed startups and multiple entrepreneurial ventures that led to little lasting impact or success—because I was held captive by my vision of perfection.

Perfectionism always found a way to arrest my development, confuse my direction, and discourage my endurance. From as early as I can remember, I’ve always been an all-or-nothing individual. There’s very little room for gray in my world; I’ve only known black or white. Gray is confusing for a plethora of reasons—it’s more of a spectrum than a color. It’s the place of balance, and for me, that’s unsettling. Either it’s hot or it’s cold, either it’s good or it’s bad, either I got it right or I got it wrong.

I was the person who would write a sentence, and if any letter or mark was unpleasant, I’d crumple the entire sheet of paper and start over. I was the person who had to start the entire song over if I missed one word. I would throw away entire friendships because of one situation. I had little grace for people, and even less for myself. I was the visionary who had a clear picture of how something ought to function, and if it didn’t meet my exact expectations, I’d disregard any progress that had been made. I loved the idea but hated the journey.

It was hard for me to understand that the beauty of beginning, the beauty of life, is in the process. Process scared me because it’s unpredictable. You can plan a destination, but you can’t predict everything that will happen along the journey. So, because of what the journey might hold, I’d rather stand still.

This started a dangerous cycle in my life—one I’ve coined the "Cycle of the Perfectionist." It goes like this: I’d be paralyzed by my last "failure," so I’d sit still for a while, mortified by the dissonance between the idea or vision and the outcome. Then, suddenly, a new idea would spark—a fresh wave of inspiration. I’d dive into this new initiative, working tirelessly. But instead of letting the creation simply be what it was meant to be, I’d try to make it my escape, my get-out-of-jail card. I’d tie all my past failures to this new idea, hoping it would redeem me, proving to the world that I wasn’t a failure, that I wasn’t small, that I wasn’t just all talk and no action.

I'd put an unimaginable pressure on everything I did, hoping someone, anyone, would see me for who I truly was—the good in me. And when the next idea needed more time than intended, or didn’t find the right audience, I’d fall deeper into the false reality that everything about me was a failure. I would then find myself burnt out again, because I couldn’t carry the weight of the pressure I’d put on myself and my projects to redeem me. This cycle would repeat for years without end. I’d start over each time, adding the weight of the last failure to the baggage I dragged with me into the next stop in the cycle.

It wasn’t until I realized that the fragments of perfectionism I, along with most individuals, struggled with were rooted in a form of self-loathing. Deep down in my soul, there was a dimension of myself I was trying to atone for through my work. Here’s the truth that nobody told me: perfection simply doesn’t exist. The journey won’t always look or feel beautiful. I had to embrace that where I am—where I was—is exactly where I am meant to be. No unattainable ideal, unrealistic goal, or impossible plan was going to help me escape the messiness and discomfort that comes with every journey.

The next thing I had to understand is that everything I will ever produce—every initiative I start, every ministry I launch, every book I write, every song I record—is a gift to the world, not a cure for me. When you embrace that the good is already within you, you stop succumbing to the pressure of needing others to realize anything about you.

Lastly, I came to this resolve: "Things can be excellent without being perfect." I encourage you to evaluate your motivations—why do you feel the need to produce, and why must it be done in a particular way?

Sincerely,

-Your Coach J ❤️‍🔥